fucking tard am i ?

school aint that nice to look forward to anymore.
broke up with ryan on sunday 12 august.
patched back on 13 august.

i patched with him.
because.
he keep saying things that gave me
the impression that he was going to
do stupid things.
people assumed i pacthed with him
because he bought me a damn expensive bear,
or assumed that i patched with him because
i still loved him alot.

things to clear.
i DID NOT patch with him because he bought
me a expensive bear,
i didn even know there was the existence of it until
i decided to patch back with him.
i DID NOT patch with him because i still loved him alot.
more like 0.1 % to 10 % of love left only larhs.

i PATCHED back because i feared the consequences.
of what would happen to him after we broke.
it was PRESSURE.
it was STRESS.

and now after we patched.
i dont feel the same ever after.
i dont even bother to call him darling or anything.
nevertheless.
there was still a "i love you" for a nightly sms.
whye you would ask..
i'm putting on a PRETENCE.

i'm a hypocrite.
i dont dare to tell him how i really feel.
i do hate him sometimes.
for controlling me.
for slowly taking over my life.

i'm not able to play catching.
i'm not able to talk to guys.
i'm not even able to hang out with guys.
i mean.
what is his problem ?
its my life we're talking about.
FYI.

i'm no more just me.
i'm a mixture already.

and just because i gave my number to some guys
my friends of course.
he had to kick a HUGE fuss about it.
can you ever try experiencing the pain and the torture?

THEO is blaming me for everything.
he claims that i do not understand ryan as well as he do.
i so totally disagree.
THEO only knew ryan from like 2-3 months.
i have known ryan for 8 months.

like duh i know him better.
when things aint right.
i know its time to stop.
THEO dont want me to stop.
he keeps telling me to give chances.
if i keep giving chances to him,
who would give chances to me ?

i know i sound selfish lurhs.
but on larh.
who isnt ?

eeyer.
who cares lurhs.
i'm on my own ):

i'm turning into a mad woman soon.
i dont like being controlled.
i dont like veing pressurissed.
i dont like being stressed.
i dont like being told what to do.

maybe i'm getting sick of life.
i ate 11 panadol pills today.
and i feel high.

but i'm seriously sleepy.
i wanna sleep.
but i want to get a reply from that guy before
i go to sleep.
at least.
soem worries would be gone.
i HOPE.