jealousy aint good.

quote from friend's blog.
if i were to rate my life,
i'll rate it 2/10 for the 10 to be the best.
first thing, my life's pretty crappy & all, my homework aint done, i just broke up with my boyf who loves me so much, i just felt like being alone for this particular time, i dont know why, my best friends in malaysia, count on it, i think i'm rather much a pathetic loser, i dont have much friends, or maybe say very close friends my age, if so if i do, its guys, they cant stand girls nagging & whining day and night, i'm such a girl, i whine & i complain.
should have started on my homework since the end of november, but after looking at the papers that i'm given, i push it back, and now what, i have less than 2 weeks to complete alot of homework, i really must start on my homework now, if not i'll really be such a loser. the start of sec 2 will be in 2008, which gives me less than 2 weeks to jumpstart my studies, i want to study well, i want to get good grades & get into a good class in sec 3. but why aint i studying now ? i really have absolutely no clue.
considering cousin's in town for 2 weeks & she's staying over at my house most of the time, well, its pretty okay, i have like 184513518416512 things to be jealous about, i know i shouldn be, but i'm a girl, a girl in her pre-teen age, i get jealous like super much. first thing, the attention everyone showers on her, i know its because she lives elsewhere not in singapore, but see the difference, i get really sensitive about it,
1) my grandpa actually told her to be careful & go home early & even asked if she'd eaten, while i was just beside there, like talking as if, its only her there, & when i go to see him on my own, he only says this, " i want to sleep ", the difference in attention-showering is there.
2) my other cousin, 28 years old, asked my cousin to go out clubbing with her, & go to lesbian clubs / whatsoever, me & cousin's age is only 1 year difference, i dont see whats with the big age-gap, 28 year old cousin treats me as if i'm 8 compared with this big sister who looks like 17, i do agreee, standing beside my cousin, i look like some little kid, because she dresses much older than how she actually is, but then what, i'm also your cousin okay, treat me as if what, ast least just ask if i wanna go out with you, as least just ask, you dont have to be biased until like that just because she looks older & slangs.
3) you're born singaporean, changing your citizenship wont make you a citizen who grew up there, its the difference in nationality, but acting like one, wont make you one, it'll only make you a banana, a yellow-skinned white flesh, get what i mean ?

i know its bad to bitch about others, my life's just crap, i've got no one to share anything with, i'm bad at friendships, i ruin mine easily, i'm bad at relationships too, i cant help it, i'm just this way, my lifes rated at 2/10, which is a utter disaster, i wish someone could just slap me & tell me to wake up, i dont know what to do anymore, i cry everynight, reminscing over all the mistakes i did, like breaking up wit my boyf, why did i do that ? i really dont know, the need for dependance ? i think it is, i think i should stay single for the rest of my mind, i procrastinate too much, i suck at making decisions, i should start 2008 anew, like do everything right.
my heart breaks, i dont know what to do with my life anymore, its in a mess, i cant stop crying, tears just keep flowing down. i'm tired of everything, i'm tired of being me, i'm tired of being melissa, that bitch who bitch about others, i want to be someone else, someone better.
why isit always i'm the one being concerned about others, why cant someone care for me, & when someone does care for me, i dont appreciate it, god, tell me i'm a bitch. the only one conforting me now is Aman, thank you alot bestie. i think i would prefer the confort of my beds, where i can keep crying my hearts out, going back to emo-ing again, whats with me !?
i want my life to be like 5/10, my pathetic losery life is rated 2/10, almost on the verge of breaking off, can i just die ?